I wrote this while I was at work on Saturday, and it’s something raw and honest that I felt was worth sharing. I have been navigating some unsavory thoughts over the last few days. I am doing my very best to fight back as I certainly don’t want to fall into relapse.
Writing it down, getting it out of my system, and sharing it with others is a healthy release for me. It’s a positive step in the right direction., and well, that’s pretty marvelous.
Linking up with Katie for another:
I should know better. I absolutely should know better than to step on the scale and allow it to dictate my mood.
Since I have been working out consistently for a month I wanted to see how my progress was coming along. I knew I had already dropped a pound or two, and I was celebrating the little victory along the way. I knew this morning the number was not going to tick down, but I stepped on the scale anyway.
It didn’t move.
I felt dejected. I felt like a failure. I started questioning what I was doing wrong, why wasn’t the number going down, what else could I give up and what more could I do to get the damn number to go down.
I took a long hard look in the mirror. From every angle.
Why won’t this budge? Why won’t this flatten? Why won’t this tighten? It took mere seconds for these questions to flood my mind and for my spirit to deflate. Clearly I must be doing something wrong and not doing enough things right.
I walked away disappointed with myself.
I knew better though, and I started asking myself some important questions about what I was feeling. Did I want to feel negatively because I wasn’t seeing instant results? Did I want to allow a number on the scale to define my worth? Did I want to go down that path again?
The answer was a resounding NO.
No, I did not want to cut out more foods (I already eat pretty darn healthy and sometimes struggle with not being ‘perfect.’) No, I didn’t want to workout six or seven days a week. No, I did not want to obsess over the size of my body bits. And hell no, I did not want to send myself spiraling back down the eating disorder hole.
What options then would I have?
Well, first and foremost, I have to give up my grasp on the number I want to see on the scale. I have to take a more realistic and positive look at my efforts. I workout consistently. I am feeling stronger everyday. I have tons of energy. I am content. I am healthy. I finally feel as good as I have wanted to feel for a long time.
That is enough!
Losing weight and gaining muscle will come with time. I know this. I have seen and experienced this before. But moreover, I am finally feeling great, and ultimately it’s that feeling which has driven me to work my tail off every single day. It is that feeling I continue to chase after.
It’s my ‘why‘.
Kicking this notion of a magical number that will somehow connect all my dots and be the final piece of the puzzle is something I have to work on. Having dealt with anorexia and allowing these thoughts to consume me in the past, I know full well where I can be lead if I don’t change my thinking. It isn’t a place to which I ever want to return.
Focusing on a feeling, turning my gaze inward instead of focusing on something exterior, is what I need to keep in my sights every day. I need to check in with myself and ask “How am I feeling today?,” “Is this how I want to feel?,” and “What can I do to be at my best in this present moment?” If I can’t answer in a positive way then I need to stop and reevaluate what I am doing, what is affecting me, and what I can do to turn it around.
I don’t need less of anything except negative thinking. I don’t need to be less or occupy less space in this world, both physically and emotionally.
What I do need is more kindness, more compassion, more positivity, more nourishment, and more love. Directed at myself and the outside world.
I’m changing with each passing day. I am growing into more of the woman I want to be. I am making myself proud with every forward movement, every positive thought, and every smile on my face upon waking.
If anyone who reads this can relate, I would love to hear from you. We all need support and an extra pat on the back now and again. Whether you’re in recovery or just struggling with body image and self worth, know that you are enough. You are more than enough. Be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself, and keep your head up.