This Isn’t It: My Life Needs Change.

This isn’t it. This isn’t the way I want my life to be.

I am all for working hard. I am a hustler. I get things done. I do what I have to do to survive. I struggle, and I conquer.

But this isn’t it.

I am utterly exhausted – mind, body, spirit. My life is lacking in much and overflowing in others.

I work a lot. A lot. Which means I also miss out on a lot. This isn’t the way I want my life to be.

I have made some lateral moves in the last few months with the optimistic view that eventually I would spring forward. I’m getting there. I have prayed and put out to the Universe every single day that I am open to the opportunities life would be so kind as to grant me. And it worked. The opportunities to advance have started rolling in.

The thing is nothing is instant, nor would I want it to be. I am not interested in instant gratification because I know it would mean things would just as easily fall apart. So no, I am not interested in a sharp rise to the top with the knowledge it likely means I would just as quickly fall flat on my face only to have to start over again.

What I want is my hard work to slowly pay off. I want to learn and grow as I venture forward. I want to continue to develop my skills and what it is I have to offer to others. I want to appreciate my rise to the top.

I value hard work, and I acknowledge my determination to achieve it. Having overcome this, that, and the other, I am extremely proud of myself for staying true to my values and never giving up – even on those days when I couldn’t see the gift my life is.

These days, though, it’s too much work. And, yes, there is such a thing!

It broke my heart when I got in from work last night, and my mom told me Reilly was asking where I was when she had gotten home a short time before. I missed out on seeing her before she dozed off. I haven’t spent time with her in a few days, and there she was looking for me. And where was I? Contributing nothing of value in a place I don’t enjoy being in an effort to make a few extra bucks.

Losing time in exchange for a little cash is not worth it to me.

At the end of my life, I am going to wish I experienced more of my life and the connections in it, not that I worked more hours or had more money in the bank.

So this isn’t it. This isn’t living my life. Certain aspects are. I am working toward being where I want to be. In the meantime I need change. I need an increase in quality.

I need less doing and more being.

This was written this past Saturday while I had some quiet time at work first thing in the morning. Pretty much my favorite time of the week. 

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