I had quite a fun weekend, ending on a sort of lower note, but it doesn’t take away from all it was.
I had to face a lot of personal fears these last few days. It was all very eye opening, made me question a lot about myself, and made me face some harsh realities.
Friday kicked off with a lovely lunch with my ladies from work. I had checked over the menu so I could find something to eat that wouldn’t cause me to freak out, and I was adamant about having only one glass of wine.
Well, nothing ever goes according to plan. And it’s not even that I overindulged. In fact, it was all quite normal. However, I could not get away from those nasty thoughts in my head. Beating me up, calling me names, and basically telling me I would need to compensate for it later on.
Yes, these thoughts really swirl around in my head when I am trying to enjoy being social. I was able to have a great time despite my inner battle, but the thoughts persisted.
A good workout afterward really helped. I needed to de-stress, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel a little better thinking I ‘worked off’ at least one glass of wine. I still had a little bit of residual anxiety as the night went on and figured it would go away with some sleep, but nope, I was wrong!
Barely slept, up early for work on Saturday, and I had this overall sense of feeling off. Writing helped a little bit. I try to make it my go-to self help method these days. But I still ended my shift crying on the floor behind the desk. Thank goodness I was there alone!
Saturday night was yet another test as I met up with my cousins for dinner. I envied the ease with which they poured over the menu and decided which foods tickled their fancy. I ordered what amounted to a fruit salad with feta cheese, a glass of water, and black coffee.
The losing at battling my food fears while eating out is astounding.
Again, though, I enjoyed the conversation and the atmosphere. I also caught up with a friend afterward, and that was really the ticket I needed in order to get out of my head – even if only for a short while.
I still managed to feel confident in my appearance and walk with a bit of pep in my step while venturing way outside of my comfort zone. Little victories!
Throw in another night with a lack of sleep, and finally all the stress caught up with me on Sunday. I did manage to get outside with Reilly first thing in the morning. We had an awesome time at the park. But the rest of the day I was basically useless.
I felt so physically ill and mentally drained. I can’t stand being at war with myself.
Through it all, though, I have been able to maintain a sense of optimism. I know this is just another day in the life. It isn’t always going to be easy. Some days are certainly far better than others. What’s important is that I continue to pick myself up, dust myself off, and not let it get the best of me.
My eating may not have been on point for a few days, but I didn’t give up. I still showed up and gave 100% in my workouts. I got up and did what I needed to do. And then I allowed myself time to rest.
I know the root cause of this is that I am not happy in some areas of my life, specifically work. I know I have to make a decision and stick to it, not allow anyone to make me feel guilty, and do what I know in my heart to be right for me.
If there is any advice I can give to anyone out there who may be struggling in one way or another, it is that. Only you know what is best for you. Stand up for yourself because no one else will.
One decision ultimately affects another, and that is where I’m at in this moment.
I’m thankful to have the sense to recognize all of this so I can start to make more positive changes to steer me in a better direction.
Every day really brings the opportunity for learning and growth if you’re open to it.
For more Monday links, check out Katie over at Healthy Diva Life!