Hunger.

For quite a while I have been trying to define this deep-seated feeling. This feeling as though something is missing.

I couldn’t quite place my finger it. Yet it continued to gnaw at my insides.

Until one day the autumnal trees spoke to me. What you are feeling is hunger, they said.

Hunger for adventure, for experience, for connection, far off places, and unfamiliar scenery.

Hunger for change and fulfillment, enlightenment, less worrying and more playing.

I long for more in my life. And I can’t do it confined to this suburban town.

For as far back as I can remember I never wanted that feeling of being tied down. Didn’t want to own a home or have a child. I craved freedom.

Tasting a lack of structure after years of rigid scheduling, I felt my creative flag flying high. I felt unstoppable, capable, and full of possibility.

Then I began making a series of decisions based on what I thought I needed yet knew I didn’t want. Slowly I began unraveling. I came apart. I turned black, crumbled back into the darkest corners, and gave up.

Now I feel weighed down by complacency, normalcy, doing what I think I ought to be doing at this stage of my life. And I feel worse for it.

I have had to break down my walls again. Every day I make a conscious effort to keep shining that light inside of me, making sure that girl who wants to face life with a child’s inquiring eyes does not fade away.

There is hope, and I have hope. Determined to loosen the rope and set myself free.

There is fear to let go of, expectations to gracefully bow away from, and confidence to build. And these things take time.

These feelings remind me of the quote “In order to discover new lands, one must be willing to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.”

Never before have I felt so ready to leap, without a net, into the unknown.

Fear of failure no longer resides here but has been replaced by fear of never having tried.

I am ready to let go and live. I am ready to be full on life.

What I’m: Grateful For Wednesday

Although I write down a gratitude list every night I think I want to start sharing some of my thoughts here, in a little more depth (because I have more space).

1. I am eternally grateful for the space I am able to inhabit each day. There was a time when I wanted to hide, shrink down, not exist. I wanted to be invisible. But I have learned over time that taking up space is human right. It is necessary in order to bond with others and with the world and nature all around us.

2. I am grateful for my family. We may not always have the best days together. We may argue or get snippy. But when we laugh, when we play, when we are silly (which far outweigh any not-so-great times), none of the past matters. Because love is filling the room and our hearts.

3. I have learned to become grateful for opportunties. They pop up at the right time (even if it doesn’t seem that way). I have learned to be on the look out for them because they come in all different forms and sometimes with not much more than a whisper.

4. I am grateful for coffee. I said it. I am addicted, and I am not sorry!

5. I am grateful for connection. Recently I have become reacquainted with a few people from the past. One after another these people emerged from the dark and reentered my life. I am having a wonderful time reconnecting. Sometimes you don’t need to make new friends. You simply need to learn more about your old friends and light a new spark in the relationship.

For what are you grateful? I would love to hear some things from your list.

Look At Me.

For most of my life I wanted to be invisible. It was hard to do because I wasn’t exactly a muted dresser, but I didn’t want to be noticed.

I was happy to blend in, fade into the background, be a wallflower. I was one of the last ones picked. I haven’t dated a lot. I don’t get a lot of praise. I don’t have a lot of friends. People don’t approach me. I’m quiet, fairly introverted, and sometimes shy. I am a middle child.

Most of my 20s was spent in eating disorder hell, and with that, of course, I wanted to disappear. The thinner I got, though, the more attention I drew to myself which in turn caused me to get worse in an effort to not be seen. It was a vicious cycle.

Even in the last few years of recovery I have been happier to go unnoticed, left to my own, and simply part of the scenery. But I am seeing now how that really isn’t helping me to advance to where and who I want to be.

I am very vocal about wanting to help lead others to being their best selves. Be it through fitness, proper nutrition, or other means of self care, it is what ignites me. It is on my mind constantly and is something I am actively working toward making my full time gig.

But how can I possibly make this into a reality if I am hiding away, if no one can see the passion burning inside of me, if I don’t fully share not only that part of myself but myself as a whole?

Baring one’s soul is serious business.

After all, the world is waiting to judge. To someone you will either be too much or not enough.

But to the right person you will be just right.

You will be what and who they need at the right moment.

In order to do that, though, I must be open. Wide open. I have to be willing to be vulnerable, not care about other people’s judgment, and maintain focus on what is real and what matters.

I also have to let go of fears – and boy, do I have a lot of those. Nothing can grow from fear except more fear.

Each day on my Goals list I write down one more step which will thrust me out of my comfort zone and eventually land me in the lap of confidence and success. Every step helps to distance me from the crowd, to pack away the insecurities that have never served me, and to finally close the chapter on who I never wanted to be but from which I am grateful to have learned.

I am ready to move on from the frightened girl I used to be. I am ready to spread my wings, and I am so ready to fly.

21 Day Fix – Week 1 Check In.

I’ve got to be honest here. I really enjoy the 21 Day Fix workouts!

I wasn’t sure what to expect when I started. I had no idea what exercises would be involved. I wasn’t even sure I believed I would be challenged enough.

How wrong I was!

The exercises themselves are not difficult. Anyone can do them, and I love that most about it. I am not an athlete. I don’t have the best stamina. So the uncomplicated moves are encouraging.

However, doing something for a full minute is not as easy as it sounds! The back to back rounds with 20 second breaks in between are killer. I drip sweat after every single workout. Well, except the last day of the week which is Yoga Fix. And what a blessing it is to have an active rest day!!

The moves are challenging enough for both the expert and the novice, and there are modifications for those who are just starting out or maybe have physical limitations. But the modifications aren’t a breeze either. You will still get an awesome workout.

I have been doing only 21 Day Fix. No weight lifting or running. I want to see how this program really works and changes my body. So far so good!

The eating plan is easy to follow as well. Measuring everything by containers is manageable. The Shakeology is delicious and filling. I haven’t yet felt deprived.

There isn’t one thing I do not like about this program after the first week.

I feel awesome already and, although I have lost just two pounds, I can see a noticeable change in my body!

What’s next? Week 2: Working harder. Sweating harder. Challenging myself more.

I cannot wait to see how much my body changes after another week, and I cannot wait to feel more energized.

If anyone is curious about this program, please let me know! You can email me at hello.kris@icloud.com.