Look At Me.

For most of my life I wanted to be invisible. It was hard to do because I wasn’t exactly a muted dresser, but I didn’t want to be noticed.

I was happy to blend in, fade into the background, be a wallflower. I was one of the last ones picked. I haven’t dated a lot. I don’t get a lot of praise. I don’t have a lot of friends. People don’t approach me. I’m quiet, fairly introverted, and sometimes shy. I am a middle child.

Most of my 20s was spent in eating disorder hell, and with that, of course, I wanted to disappear. The thinner I got, though, the more attention I drew to myself which in turn caused me to get worse in an effort to not be seen. It was a vicious cycle.

Even in the last few years of recovery I have been happier to go unnoticed, left to my own, and simply part of the scenery. But I am seeing now how that really isn’t helping me to advance to where and who I want to be.

I am very vocal about wanting to help lead others to being their best selves. Be it through fitness, proper nutrition, or other means of self care, it is what ignites me. It is on my mind constantly and is something I am actively working toward making my full time gig.

But how can I possibly make this into a reality if I am hiding away, if no one can see the passion burning inside of me, if I don’t fully share not only that part of myself but myself as a whole?

Baring one’s soul is serious business.

After all, the world is waiting to judge. To someone you will either be too much or not enough.

But to the right person you will be just right.

You will be what and who they need at the right moment.

In order to do that, though, I must be open. Wide open. I have to be willing to be vulnerable, not care about other people’s judgment, and maintain focus on what is real and what matters.

I also have to let go of fears – and boy, do I have a lot of those. Nothing can grow from fear except more fear.

Each day on my Goals list I write down one more step which will thrust me out of my comfort zone and eventually land me in the lap of confidence and success. Every step helps to distance me from the crowd, to pack away the insecurities that have never served me, and to finally close the chapter on who I never wanted to be but from which I am grateful to have learned.

I am ready to move on from the frightened girl I used to be. I am ready to spread my wings, and I am so ready to fly.

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Authenticity.

Something I have struggled with in the past is remaining authentic. I think a lot of people can relate to that. You think you are living your life the way you want, following what you think are your dreams, and becoming the person you believe you want to be.

Then you have a sudden revelation, after reading something, seeing something, learning something. All of a sudden it hits you: you have been living your life for the praise of others.

I realized long ago that I was living in a way that I thought I “should.” I had a stable (yet unfulfilling) long time job. I tried school a few times chasing what I thought I wanted to become. I tried dating people that I thought were right for me. I wanted people to like me. I wanted my parents to praise me. And I wanted the world to see me as a have-it-all-together-miss-independent grown up.

Slowly my authentic self became muted.

Withdrawing set in. I turned inside of myself. I withered away.

Having gone through the experience of an eating disorder dropped me to the floor and shattered me into a million little pieces. I began to pick up the pieces and question who it was that had been hiding inside that fragile shell all those years.

I left behind my job and the rigidity of routine. I suffered and I fought against my inner demons. I picked up words off pages and slowly started to create the person I knew I was meant to be.

Now here I am. I am so many different things and wear many hats but the proudest thing I display is my own self-image.

Attempting to become an entrepreneur is difficult in itself. Attempting to become an entrepreneur who is going against the grain of an industry makes it a little harder. But I refuse to give up on what I believe in and who I am.

I struggle to find balance and I struggle to fit in. I am so much and yet so little. I find myself feeling forced to be something and market myself as someone in a way that does not align with authenticity.

And that is what inspired this post.

Being a personal trainer who is body positive and does not want to fit into the weight loss and ‘thin is in’ industry, being a health coach who does not excitedly post about the benefits of green juice and kale, can create some hurdles. I refuse to attempt to fit another mold though.

That is why I named my business Live Loud.

I want to inspire people to be who they truly are and to be that person proudly — and loudly.

So pardon me for being a little different, being more lax, not shoving my generic blog posts down your throat, and for doing things my way.

 

xx
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