Look At Me.

For most of my life I wanted to be invisible. It was hard to do because I wasn’t exactly a muted dresser, but I didn’t want to be noticed.

I was happy to blend in, fade into the background, be a wallflower. I was one of the last ones picked. I haven’t dated a lot. I don’t get a lot of praise. I don’t have a lot of friends. People don’t approach me. I’m quiet, fairly introverted, and sometimes shy. I am a middle child.

Most of my 20s was spent in eating disorder hell, and with that, of course, I wanted to disappear. The thinner I got, though, the more attention I drew to myself which in turn caused me to get worse in an effort to not be seen. It was a vicious cycle.

Even in the last few years of recovery I have been happier to go unnoticed, left to my own, and simply part of the scenery. But I am seeing now how that really isn’t helping me to advance to where and who I want to be.

I am very vocal about wanting to help lead others to being their best selves. Be it through fitness, proper nutrition, or other means of self care, it is what ignites me. It is on my mind constantly and is something I am actively working toward making my full time gig.

But how can I possibly make this into a reality if I am hiding away, if no one can see the passion burning inside of me, if I don’t fully share not only that part of myself but myself as a whole?

Baring one’s soul is serious business.

After all, the world is waiting to judge. To someone you will either be too much or not enough.

But to the right person you will be just right.

You will be what and who they need at the right moment.

In order to do that, though, I must be open. Wide open. I have to be willing to be vulnerable, not care about other people’s judgment, and maintain focus on what is real and what matters.

I also have to let go of fears – and boy, do I have a lot of those. Nothing can grow from fear except more fear.

Each day on my Goals list I write down one more step which will thrust me out of my comfort zone and eventually land me in the lap of confidence and success. Every step helps to distance me from the crowd, to pack away the insecurities that have never served me, and to finally close the chapter on who I never wanted to be but from which I am grateful to have learned.

I am ready to move on from the frightened girl I used to be. I am ready to spread my wings, and I am so ready to fly.

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Paying Attention.

Something hit me while I was getting ready for work early one Saturday morning.

I had woken up a bit earlier than my 515am alarm. I laid in bed for a bit waiting for some hint of the sun to make its way in through the gap between the curtain and the wall. I was taking in the quiet sounds of the house, all the kiddos resting, the soft whirring of the fan. I felt ready to start my day.

I got up with ease and a pep in my step. I took my time, making sure I started my day on a calm and peaceful note. That’s when I had this revelation. Continue reading

A Bump in the Road.

I wrote this while I was at work on Saturday, and it’s something raw and honest that I felt was worth sharing. I have been navigating some unsavory thoughts over the last few days. I am doing my very best to fight back as I certainly don’t want to fall into relapse.

Writing it down, getting it out of my system, and sharing it with others¬†is a healthy release for me. It’s a positive step in the right direction., and well, that’s pretty marvelous.

Linking up with Katie for another:

I should know better. I absolutely should know better than to step on the scale and allow it to dictate my mood.

Since I have been working out consistently for a month I wanted to see how my progress was coming along. I knew I had already dropped a pound or two, and I was celebrating the little victory along the way. I knew this morning the number was not going to tick down, but I stepped on the scale anyway. Continue reading

Being Honest.

  • Just because something is good doesn’t mean I need to seek out something “better.”
  • Although I say I don’t care I really do.
  • I really like walking more than running.
  • Absence does make the heart grow fonder – even wen it involves coffee.
  • I love writing but blogging is incredibly intimidating and exposing.
  • Some days I’m not sure if I want to have my own business in coaching.
  • I have always wanted to own my own cafe though. That has been a long time dream of mine.