For most of my life I wanted to be invisible. It was hard to do because I wasn’t exactly a muted dresser, but I didn’t want to be noticed.
I was happy to blend in, fade into the background, be a wallflower. I was one of the last ones picked. I haven’t dated a lot. I don’t get a lot of praise. I don’t have a lot of friends. People don’t approach me. I’m quiet, fairly introverted, and sometimes shy. I am a middle child.
Most of my 20s was spent in eating disorder hell, and with that, of course, I wanted to disappear. The thinner I got, though, the more attention I drew to myself which in turn caused me to get worse in an effort to not be seen. It was a vicious cycle.
Even in the last few years of recovery I have been happier to go unnoticed, left to my own, and simply part of the scenery. But I am seeing now how that really isn’t helping me to advance to where and who I want to be.
I am very vocal about wanting to help lead others to being their best selves. Be it through fitness, proper nutrition, or other means of self care, it is what ignites me. It is on my mind constantly and is something I am actively working toward making my full time gig.
But how can I possibly make this into a reality if I am hiding away, if no one can see the passion burning inside of me, if I don’t fully share not only that part of myself but myself as a whole?
Baring one’s soul is serious business.
After all, the world is waiting to judge. To someone you will either be too much or not enough.
But to the right person you will be just right.
You will be what and who they need at the right moment.
In order to do that, though, I must be open. Wide open. I have to be willing to be vulnerable, not care about other people’s judgment, and maintain focus on what is real and what matters.
I also have to let go of fears – and boy, do I have a lot of those. Nothing can grow from fear except more fear.
Each day on my Goals list I write down one more step which will thrust me out of my comfort zone and eventually land me in the lap of confidence and success. Every step helps to distance me from the crowd, to pack away the insecurities that have never served me, and to finally close the chapter on who I never wanted to be but from which I am grateful to have learned.
I am ready to move on from the frightened girl I used to be. I am ready to spread my wings, and I am so ready to fly.